Ghouls and goblins, spooks and spectres, ghosts and ghouls! Halloween! It’s a time of fear, fright and friendliness. And candy. And sluts. Which is why most Americans polled describe Halloween as one of their 12 favorite holidays. But it isn’t all fun and games. It isn’t all the joyous celebration of Satan’s influence. In fact, Halloween can be dangerous. For both adults and kids.
The good news is that you’re not alone. We’re all in this together. Whether you’re a parent or one of those non-reproducing assholes, here are few safety tips to make sure Halloween doesn’t turn into Halloscream:
Crossing the street is more dangerous the darker it gets. Protect your child by forcing other children to cross the street first.
Open the door with caution. Be prepared with a wooden spike in case an actual vampire comes to the door. Please note, actual vampires look exactly like a ten year old child with bad makeup and a shitty cape. Stab immediately.
Avoid the unhealthy part of candy by removing the wrapper before eating.
Because salt is the opposite of sugar, feed your child candy-sized chunks of salt. These can be acquired at the place where deer buy their salt.
Razors in apples is a significant threat. But the good news is your shitty parenting has left your child without the knowledge of what an apple is. He won’t know it’s food and will instead think it’s a broken ball.
If someone attempts to give your child those shitty candies in brown and orange wrappers, call the police and tell them, “somebody is about to get hurt.” Then drag that person to the street and curb them. When the police arrive, remove your shirt to reveal the swastika tattoo on your chest and turn around very slowly before they cuff you.
Candy corn is an old Halloween staple. Understand that it is illegal to plant them for the purpose of reseeding. All modern strains of candy corn are patented by Monsanto Corporation to be pesticide resistant and must be purchased annually from your nearby licensed Monsanto dealer.
Avoid licorice. Instead, lick rice.
If your 8 year old daughter insists on dressing sexy, protect her by making her wear an “I have syphilis. (even on my hands)” sign around her neck.
Tattoo your child’s forearm with your zip code. This is a great way to keep track of somebody you don’t want to escape.
Make an imprint of your child’s dentition prior to the holiday. This will make identifying the body much easier, assuming the killer doesn’t keep his/her teeth.
Smashing pumpkins can lead to even greater forms of vandalism. Do not download their albums.
Razors aren’t the only dangers for trick or treaters. It’s a big time for bullies as well. Train your child to defend himself by quickly removing an attacker’s eyeball. Kill Bill is all the instruction you’ll need. Practice on local dogs.
Because candy can cause unwanted weight gain, allow your child to eat candy only when walking on the treadmill. If she starts crying from the exertion. Tell her she is ugly when she cries. She will spend her life trying to earn your love. This will keep her skinny.
Warn your child to watch out for strangers in white vans. Rainbow and polka-dotted vans, however, are perfectly safe.
This is me in front my favorite fans: the ones who can't complain.
