A snowstorm is barreling down on Chicago and the greater Great Lakes area. It looms out there in the distance like a monster made of trillions of tiny meltable flakes of ice. Communities already affected are presumed lost forever, mostly because I don’t know anyone from there.
Every flake of snow in the world is unique, unlike people, who are often shitty in identical ways.
The storm is expected to blanket the streets, homes and homeless in up to a foot of snow.
Already it’s produced light accumulations of boring Facebook updates and twitter messages. As the extreme weather event progresses, people — those still left — will reach for their keyboards and wifi’s and share their stories of perseverance and survival. Social Networking unites us and it may be the only thing that saves us during this time of crisis.
Mother Nature has her finger lubed up and is ready to use it but that doesn’t mean we have to stand there and take it. Unlike the bison and baboons and geese we have the ability to clench back. What separates us from the animals is we aren’t built for any of this survival business, but we make a whole bunch of crap that gets it done.
Me? I’m ready. I went to the store and stocked up on shovels, bullets and Sriracha sauce. Got an extra large salt-shaker to keep the walkways clear. Boots drying by the fire, mittens drying in the oven, thermal undies drying in the microwave. My hand-crank radio is ready already set to B.96 and I’ve got the station number taped to the wall in case I need to call in and request a latest hit. A fresh bottle of snowshoe polish sits ready by the front door next to the many gallons of gasoline filling every container I had in the house. My spoons, forks and knives are segregated neatly, unlike my sauce packets, and the tonton is well fed and happy, ready to be sliced open for emergency heat and shelter should the A-wings from base not be able to find me once night sets in and temperatures plummet.
Icicles are made from ice, not bicycles.
These are the tests that all men must face. Women? Well, they’re good test-takers. I’m not worried about them.
I, for one, refuse to take this snowstorm lying down, although if I skip work I’ll probably lie in bed all day watching Babylon 5 on Netflix Streaming. Or doing my taxes. Fucking taxes.
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That’s why I left Chicago…was at war with Mother Nature and I lost. Now I face her bitchy cousin down south called Hurricane…hurry or she canes you!
“The storm is expected to blanket the streets, homes and homeless in up to a foot of snow.”
And the homeless?! Haha
Best line in the article.