If walruses ever evolve past us, their documentaries will look like this.
1. Without proper precaution the sun can cause a lot of damage. Bring a sunscreen with a high SPF, such as clothing.
2. People watching is great at the beach. So is titty-watching.
3. Dogs are not allowed on most beaches. Cats, however, love spending the day at the beach.
4. Look around at all the ugly, wrinkly old people and realize that one day you will look as horrible as they do. Judge now while you still can.
5. Test the lifeguards by flailing around in the water. A good lifeguard will use just the right amount of tongue.
6. Don’t stare at the teenage girls in their bikinis with their perfect skin and supple bodies. Take pictures of them and stare at those.
Chairs are a technology that keeps sand out of butts.
7. Pull up your sleeves and your shorts. This will ensure a proper tan.
8. If you call in sick to work do not post pictures of your day at the beach on Facebook, unless they are pictures of you having surgery at the beach.
9. Build a sand castle. By the time you’re finished it will be foreclosed on by the bank.
10. People will bring their loud annoying children to the beach. Keep them a comfortable distance away by placing a “free tickles” sign near you.
11. Approach women and offer to apply sunscreen. If they refuse wait until they fall asleep and then do what you know is right for them.
12. Fires are not permitted on most beaches. Ignore this. If God didn’t want us to burn styrofoam and plastic He wouldn’t have made them smell so nice when they burn.
This beachgoer is looking for a place to urine. She'd be wise to wade out until the water covers her hips.
13. If you have to urine go in the water. Make sure your waist is below the surface before starting to avoid drawing attention.
14. Feces should also be done below the waterline but be prepared for fish to nibble on undigested matter. Your poop is a vital part of the ecosystem, especially if your diet includes a lot of fish food.
15. Put that white shit on your nose. Just like the lifeguards from your childhood, your nose is more important than the rest of your body for some reason.
16. If your goal is to meet women bring a frisbee or a football. Women love gifts.
17. A fun activity is burying a friend up to his neck in sand and then hitting golf balls off his head. If you make a divot, an overturned garbage can will keep the authorities off your trail for weeks.
18. If a whale beaches itself wait until the animal dies to use the blowhole as a cup holder. Make sure it’s a whale and not simply a fat woman sleeping on her back. Use her belly button as a hot dog holder.
19. Pretty much just fuck around with the sand until your girlfriend tells you it’s time to leave.
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these are fantastic. also, who says that nude sunbathing is only acceptable at nude beaches? depending on the person’s proportions, of course.