Going on a first date can be a nerve-wracking process. So much is at stake. Will she like you enough to go on a second date? Will she like you enough to want to do unholy things to your genitalia? Rest easy. Follow these tips and you’ll be making two bowls of cereal in the morning.
1. Grooming is important. Eyebrows, separate. Nose hairs, pluck. Teeth, whiten. Make sure your goatee is as symmetrical as possible. Trim your bush. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just enough to show her you care.
2. Show up at least 40 minutes late. This will demonstrate to her that you’re your own man and that you live by your own rules.
3. Remember. She’s more afraid of you than you are of her. No, wait, that’s bears. Still though, it’s a good idea to make a lot of noise when approaching.
4. The first thing you say when she opens the door can make a world of difference. Say something witty like, “Heeeeere’s Johnny!” whether your name is Johnny or not. If she reacts with awkward silence say, “What? No sense of humor?”
5. Bring a gift. Something that shows you are a free spirit. A pez dispenser is recommended as it increases the chances she’ll want to play with the pez dispenser in your pants. That’s why they exist.
6. To further increase the chances of getting laid, clean the inside and outside of your car. Better yet, have her do it.
7. Women are intuitive creatures. They love to talk about feelings and emotions. A suggested topic of conversation is how she feels about her emotions.
8. Women are attracted to men who exude confidence and power. Instruct her to always walk four feet behind you at all times.
9. Choose a place with plenty of distractions such as a carnival or a streetfest. Eventually you will become bored listening to her talk about her trip to Europe and how much she loves puppies. In case of emergency, point and say, “Look! Handmade belts!”
10. Refrain from discussing back hair, not unless you take your date to a zoo and you say, “That gorilla sure has a lot of back hair. I wouldn’t know anything about that.”
11. Take her to a nice restaurant. Show her that thing you do where you chomp on crackers and then blow cracker flecks out of your mouth. Women love a man with talent.
12. If she follows you into the bathroom for sex, the bathroom attendant will put the condom on for you. Tip him well. She’s watching.
13. Be sure to say grace before the meal. This will make her feel awkward and uncomfortable. If she tries to say grace with you hold up a finger and tell her, “Not until we’re married.”
14. If she leaves the table and forgets her purse, replace her mace with a can of silly string. Mixups like this often lead to hilarious stories.
15. Use a slice of bread to mop any excess grease or sauce from your plate. Do the same to her plate, then ask for another loaf and ask her to sneak the loaf out in her purse.
16. Women want you to show interest in their opinions. Ask her if she wants to bang Kim or Kourtney or that other one and then point out that Shakira has a really nice ass.
17. Invite her in to watch TiVo’d Soul Train. Of all the things on this list this one will actually help you get laid.
18. When giving her a tour of your apartment, be sure to point out the corner of your living room where you keep your dumbbells.
19. Prepare your bedroom. Remove the beer cans from your nightstand and put the empty tissue boxes next to your computer in the recycling.
20. A clean bathroom is a must for any woman to take you seriously. Make sure all the pubes on your toilet brim are yours and not those of strangers. She’ll know.
21. She won’t be able to resist snooping inside your medicine cabinet. Use this to your advantage by putting a prescription bottle in there that reads “Amazing Lover Pills”.
22. When it comes time for the goodnight kiss, use as much tongue as possible. Women like that.
(Stay tuned for future How To’s)