January 2012

Hobbits and Haircuts.

by Hank Thompson on January 29, 2012

I came across these behind-the-scenes videos of the production of the upcoming Hobbit films (called The Hobbit: An Unexcpected Journey & The Hobbit: There and Back Again due out Decembers 2012 and 2013 respectively) currently being made by Peter Jackson. Fascinating stuff.

Here’s the trailer (production diaries below):

Aside from getting a stiffy for dark scary caves and dwarves and elves and magic grandpas I also have an intense interest in filmmaking. Every moment of the videos below is nourishing mana for this nerd’s soul. It really makes one appreciate the amount of work and planning that goes into a production of this caliber. This is the upper end of the funding scale, with Jackson and his crew location-scouting around the hills and mountains of New Zealand in five helicopters, landing on a plateau at a whim to walk around and take pictures and have tea. In pre-production for years, Jackson commands millions and millions of dollars and thousands of subordinates, each tasked with an important role, all the way down to the guy or lady who keeps the axes not sharp.

At every level of the command chain there are details that need deciding upon, all of which if not made by Director himself can be overridden by him. The pressure must be tremendous.

It’s just a bunch of cool shit. The massive sets, the special effects, the crazy costumes, dudes with ladders walking around, the props, the stunt coordination and safety classes, the badass camera rigs, all kinds of expensive stuff that requires metal containers, the creativity you get to express. Hell, even the snack table has got to rock. At worst it’s way better than Donut Friday at the office. No wonder so many people want to work in the film industry. You get paid good money to play make-believe and then eventually you get blow jobs. That’s the way it works, right?

I noticed the amount of green screen paint (or some kind of covering) that fills in the many gaps and edges on the set and was wowed with the part where the costume/makeup lady was talking about making the actors’ skin a little too red on purpose because the cameras (48 Red Epics) over-saturate the color red so that the skin will appear the proper tone once filmed. I related to this kind of detail-awareness because during the making of my short film this past fall my friend and co-star, Jeff Steinbrunner, had a haircut scheduled for tuesday afternoon so we were in a hurry to get certain scenes filmed because it would be weird if he suddenly went from having shitty hair to nice hair. We pushed hard and got it done, saving the film. Then we realized the haircut was perfectly timed because in the story arc his character goes through it makes total sense that he would get a haircut. The film gods smiled on us that day. Peter Jackson was one of them.

Now where’s my fucking helicopters?

Each one is about ten minutes and there’s 5 total:

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Winners and Losers – Ep 076 – #withmydick with Mike Lebovitz

by Hank Thompson on January 25, 2012

In this episode I welcome Mike Lebovitz and Kenny DeForest to the podcast. These two men have booming voices, ears that barely work and the kind of attitude that wins wars. These two motherfuckers will strip varnish whether you want them to or not, and sometimes you do. They don’t just sink your battleship; they reach over the divider and put your little boats in their mouth and spit them back at you while your mom makes lemonade in the kitchen. They’re banned from most public parks, not for nefarious reasons but because recreational metal crumbles under the weight of their smiles and woos. They tie knots and eat pussy with their eyes closed. They solve cereal puzzles before they get out of the parking lot. They throw dance parties on bridges and cause minor earthquakes when they clap. Their rage causes sunspots. Their chuckle is an extreme sport. Their minds are flawless, lawless and awwless. Their fists can pound nails and their shoes usually match. Celery grows out of their ears. They sink like witches, have lips that can fold laundry and every meal they’ve ever had has been in bed and delivered by a grateful woman with careful feet.

Really fun show! Give it a listen:

Direct Download: 2012.01.19_WL_076_-_WithMyDick_with_Mike_Lebovitz.mp3

Download via iTunes

Listen right here:

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Screengrab of #withmydick, trending locally. Click to zoom.

We discuss the hashtag #withmydick. It originated in the mind of Mike as a fun phrase he would use on stage but because of the miracle of Twitter and the alcohol-lubricated intentions of post-show revelry it became something far greater than Mike ever imagined. Read about it in this article Kenny DeWrote on the Chicago comedy blog: ComedyofChicago.com. It happened the day before Christmas and united the Chicago comedy scene into a unified whole.

The center of #withmydick is the two-chambered beating heart that is Mike Lebovitz and Kenny DeForest. One ventricle, one atrium, and a whole lot of fluid with nowhere to go. All the proof you need is contained in this screenshot from the bottom of Kenny’s article:

This kind of love brings a tear to my brown eye.

Follow Mike Lebovitz on Twitter: @MikeLebovitz and check out his show Comedians You Should Know

Follow Kenny DeForest on Twitter: @Kenny_DeForest and check out @SpeakEZComedy and Truckload O’ Comics

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Why Shit’s Fucked Up ($$$)

by Hank Thompson on January 23, 2012

Take your ADD medication because this one requires focus. Esteemed and powerfully soft-spoken journalist Bill Moyers interviews Ronald Reagan’s former budget director, David Stockman, about the financial industry and its collusion with government over the last 30 years. It’s 25 minutes but it’s well worth it for anyone who has even the mildest curiosity about what spins the often-hidden gears of our country. Reduce your flummox.

If you appreciate thoughtful and unhurried dissection of the issues facing the country you can do no better than Bill Moyers. It’s the kind of inspection that is sorely missing from the national dialogue and from too many voters’ decision-making process. His new show can be kept up with here: Bill Moyers and Company.

Ok, get back to work, drone.

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Winners and Losers – Ep 075 – Wreck Loose with Mike Stanley + Words

by Hank Thompson on January 22, 2012

In this episode of the podcast Jeff and I spoke with Mike Stanley. He’s is a Chicago-based comedian who earns the respect and laughter of audiences wherever he performs, which seems to be everywhere. Or places that have parking lots, at least.

Direct Download: 2012.01.16_WL_075_-_Wreck_Loose_with_Mike_Stanley.mp3

Download via iTunes

Listen right here:

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Mike Stanley's head. Not pictured: Mike Stanley's body.

Here’s a picture of what he looks like so you’ll recognize him when he’s all over television in a few months/years.

Mike is very easy to talk to and will be making more appearances on the show. Check out his website and see him perform sometime. Buy his DVD. Or just add him on fucking twitter (@MikeStanley1).

We had fun dissecting the story of a wedding he attended at a castle in Vegas that was officiated by a wizard. A real life wizard. There’s still dudes that do that. They’re even rarer than clowns. Now, of course, modern wizards are different than wizards of the past. Their garb is made in Asia. That’s the difference. It’s kind of hilarious to think of anyone other than a child, middle school actor, or sexy babe dressed up in a purple mumu holding a wand. And isn’t that the perfect word? A mumu? Seems like it should be moomoo but changing the lexicon would require an act of bovine intervention. What an awful joke. Sigh.

Photo of an actual wizard

Wizards are people, too. Lets not forget that. So what if they’re immortal and control the weather? They’re just like you and me; they put on their mumu one fat or skinny arm at a time. They pay taxes (to the Wizard Council), they waste time on YouTube, they summon creatures to do their bidding (mostly cleaning ladies). And do you know how hard it is to find a tasseled rope belt these days? I’m a big supporter of wizard rights, of the hex-positive movement. But sadly it seems that to make societal progress the wizard community needs to start within its own ranks. They’re not fond of each other. When have you ever seen more than one? Not unlike egrets they prefer solitude and get easily spooked by drunken fishermen. Wizards are constantly warring– directing storms and vortexes at each other, casting spells and poxes and generally scheming about the various dim futures they glimpse inside magic orbs. Even when they’re not fighting they’re pouring over dusty ancient texts and designing newer and better winding staircases. But when it comes to showing a little love to each other they seem hardly capable. Reticent at best. I call on all wizards to put down the minions and pick up the funyuns! Why am I typing this shit?

You’ll be fascinated later on in the podcast where Mike tells the story of being bitten by a brown recluse spider. Don’t – repeat, DON’T – Google pictures of brown recluse spider bites. It’s nasty and gross and not something you should ever see unless you get your own bite, in which case you kinda hafta look. Here’s a picture of the spider:

Look at that motherfucker.

Mike didn’t have health insurance so by the time it forced him into the doctor it had progressed to the point of emergency. The bite became a terrible festering wound. He almost lost full use of his arm. This presents the solution to the health care crisis facing our country: ban spiders. Make them illegal. Problem solved.

There should be a bounty on the heads of all spiders. Use a lesser quality paper towel and it might get messy when you squish it. Bounty. Get it? That was a paper towel joke. Of course you got it; You’re good-looking and expensive.

The venom kills tissue at the site of the bite and causes all kinds of havoc if left untreated. Here’s a quote from the Ohio State University Extension Fact Sheet on entomology:

“The severity of a person’s reaction to the bite (from brown recluse) depends on the amount of venom injected and individual sensitivity to it. Bite effects may be nothing at all, immediate or delayed. Some may not be aware of the bite for 2 to 8 hours, whereas others feel a stinging sensation usually followed by intense pain if there is a severe reaction. A small white blister usually rises at the bite site surrounded by a large congested swollen area. Within 24-36 hours, a systemic reaction may occur with the victim characterized by restlessness, fever, chills, nausea, weakness and joint pain. The affected area enlarges, becomes inflamed, and the tissue is hard to touch. The spider’s venom contains an enzyme that destroys cell membranes in the wound area with affected tissue gradually sloughing away, exposing underlying tissues. Within 24 hours, the bite site can erupt into a “volcano lesion” (a hole in the flesh due to damaged, gangrenous tissue).”

Yikes! You never want to see words like “sloughing” and “amount.” Volcano lesion? I’m definitely not googling that.

Oh, and I came across this: Brown Recluse Spider: Range Could Expand in N. America With Changing Climate.

So we have that to look forward to. Listen to the full story on the podcast.

In summary I am for wizard rights but I am against spiders’ rights to bite my friends in the armpit.

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Thanking the Monkey – The One and Lonely Nick Griffin

by Hank Thompson on January 18, 2012

Watching stand up comedy as an audience member is an experience I’ll never get to enjoy. Not once for the rest of my life will I enter a comedy venue as a person simply hoping to be entertained. As a nobody open-mic’er/showcaser I can’t watch a comedy performance, any comedy performance, and not dissect, distill and dismember each moment and interaction, seeking the slightest crumb of wisdom. I’m a glean machine. What can I learn? What can I do better? Simply listening and laughing is a treat only non-comedians get to enjoy.

It’s a treat I watched a room of people enjoy this past Sunday night as New York-based headliner Nick Griffin (@TheNickGriffin) performed at the Up Comedy Club, which is part of Second City here in Chicago.

Bring out the Monkey - Nick's recently released album

It’s a beautiful venue. A wide room with rows of comfortable unblemished chairs paying penitence to a big stage in the middle. Good lighting. Nice curtains. Lots of black paint. Two big bright flatscreens flanking the stage display the venue’s logo. I woulda turned the TVs off during the show, but that’s just me.

A fellow comic and I got comped because the evening’s host is a friend of ours. As late arrivals we entered to the sound of strangers laughing as one, the sweetest non-sexual sound in the world. We sat at a table in the back of the room on a raised bench against the wall, the perfect perch from which to study, learn and envy.

Wannabes watching a be.

Nick is a hard guy to dislike. Not that I was trying to. He’s been on my radar for at least a couple years. I’d seen his numerous late night TV appearances and heard him interviewed on the occasional podcast or two. In it for life, Nick is a well-respected comic amongst his peers and deserves to be better known and better paid and better blow jobbed wherever he goes. I knew going in I would be seeing someone at the top of his game.

He’s a pro. There’s a calm, unhurried demeanor about him that puts the audience at ease. When not distracted by my idiot friends talking across me  I fell right into his rhythm and came as close as I can to being one of the crowd, a rare gift. I hesitate to use the word “relaxed” but that’s exactly how I felt while watching him perform. Relaxed, in capable hands, safe. Like a baby in the arms of a loving but very depressed father.

The cellophane from Nick's album. Not pictured: Nick's album, Bring out the Monkey

While doing the least depressing thing in the world, creating happiness, he doesn’t shy from the depression he’s faced and faces. It isn’t just another bit. It’s a lens that shades his worldview. It flavors his material like cumin. You don’t know you’re tasting it but it wouldn’t be good chili if it wasn’t there. I’ve waded in and out of the waters of depression, and have at times been submerged in it, so I related on a deep level, one that more people than should can also connect with. I get it. It sucks. But I embrace it and I’ve chosen to fight it off the only way that’s ever worked: by turning and facing it and smashing skulls. Because fuck depression. You can never outrun it but you can be funnier than it. I fight dire with laughter and I hope to someday do so as well as Nick does.

It’s important to understand this: He’s not depressing. Life is. He’s just stuck in it. And because of his talents as a writer and performer we’re all better off.

There’s a struggling everyman sensibility to the way he crafts and delivers his material, an undertone of “When am I gonna catch a break? When do I get mine?” Willy Loman with better hair. You know, empty briefcase, loosened tie, a chair instead of a couch in a top floor New York walk up, a can of beans warming directly on the stove, using old wallpaper as a blanket, no roof, etc. Except he makes it funny, not bitter. He doesn’t use too much cumin.

His jokes are delivered with the word efficiency he’s known for. It’s not blunt force trauma that gets you. No, Nick Griffin kills with a thousand precise cut-ups. He’s the opposite of clumsy.

This is a trait of his that, probably above all others, I am most jealous of and I almost told him so afterwards when I shook his hand and introduced myself as a fellow comic. I was going to buy one of his cds. They were laid out, six of them, on a table in the corner of the room. 10 bucks. A pittance, considering. I watched him talk with some people and observed a humble and gentlemanly demeanor. These suspicions were confirmed when I offered to buy a cd – they’d been put away by this point – but because I was a comic he waved my money away and gave me one, even after I explained I got in for free. He didn’t have to do that. What a good fucking guy.

The inside of Nick's album: Bring out the Monkey. And me checking to see what's wrong with the camera.

As a joke I offered to give him a #FollowFriday on twitter in lieu of payment but I quickly realized I did a bad job making it clear I was kidding, so I probably looked a real dope because #FollowFriday is a bunch of bullshit. Whenever I meet the big national guys, and I’ve only met a few so far, I always feel like apologizing for bothering them. Since it would be weird to outright apologize I muttered something about how he probably meets new comics everywhere he goes, as if that’s what he wants to talk about: whether or not he meets new guys. Then I blubbered something about liking a joke he did on the Ferguson show. Eventually I said thanks and my friend and I departed as a gaggle of Columbian or Venezuelan babes seemed to magically form around him. It was as if I was suddenly watching a scene from the South American version of The Bachelor. I hope he picked them all.

I left feeling good about the night. Just shaking hands and being looked at as a fellow mud-squatter by someone I highly respect was enough to fill my comedy sails with a gust of wind, at least it was enough until a couple hours later when I ate miserable shit in front of drunk strangers at an open mic.

Still learning. Thanks, Nick.

Keep up-to-date with Nick and see him if he’s ever in a town near you at his webset: NickGriffin.net

Buy his album, Bring out the Monkey on iTunes

Follow Nick on Twitter: @theNickGriffin

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Winners & Losers – Ep 074 – Sounding Effective with Joe Fernandez

by Hank Thompson on January 16, 2012

Get it here: WinnersAndLosersShow.com

Former and banned co-host of the Winners and Losers Show, Joe Fernandez, did the podcast with me. Why is he banned, you ask? That’s not the question. Why did I not ban him sooner? That’s the question. That kind of clarity is why people come here.

Direct Download: 2012.01.12_WL_074_-_Sounding_Effective_with_Joe_Fernandez.mp3

Download via iTunes

Listen right here:

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I’ve been doing more 1 on 1 episodes recently because booking one person is a lot easier than booking two. Coordinating three schedules instead of two makes doing so five times more complicated. That’s a lot of math to throw at you so take a moment to clear your head. I was never good at math. It’s too rigid. Too honest. I need to hide behind a veil of vaguery, which is why words make more sense to me than numbers.

If you ever catch yourself doing complicated equations on a mirror then you know for certain you’re a genius. Assuming you’re getting the answers right, that is. Reflective horizontal surface mathing is a sure sign that you’re a virgin and/or in a movie or a 60 Minutes profile. That’s when there’s no return, except maybe a return to the mirror store to get a new math-resistant mirror.

A really unfair photo of Joe Fernandez

Joe Fernandez is good guy, except for the time he squirted water down my buttcrack and I almost broke his face. That sounds like I hit him. I didn’t. I almost did. It would have hurt a lot because I was very angry.

In this podcast Joe and I show off our impressive improv skills building a scene from Batman in which The Penguin goes custom umbrella shopping. It’s so realistic you can practically smell the wood-paneling and aftershave and umbrella bullets. The Radio Play Gods would be proud. We also discuss various romantic fantasies about hypothetical women in our lives and futures. It’s like listening to a women’s magazine. Wait, that sounds awful.

Unfortunately some jackass podcast host interrupted this episode by playing silly, absurd and poorly-timed sound effects followed by uncontrollable giggling. It’s terrible podcasting. Whomever that is shouldn’t be allowed to host a parasite.

And just because doing so is hilarious doesn’t mean he won’t maybe not do it again some day.

See what I mean about clarity?

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I was on the Today Show. (Yesterday)

by Hank Thompson on January 13, 2012

What started as a simple trip to the grocery store turned into an embarrassing turn on national television. I was on NBC’s Today Show. Have a watch. (SFW):

Here’s a screenshot from the website:

If you’re too uninterested to watch but for some reason are still reading I can be seen in the segment declaring my undying love for Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Ding Dongs and all other Hostess products.

You know Hostess, right? The company that makes diabetes for kids? Yeah, that one. Turns out they declared bankruptcy recently, which is surely an unnerving sign for the economy. When American consumers can’t afford to keep a snack food company in the black then you know then you know belts are being tightened, and not for the reason belts usually get tight, which is snack food. As a famous economist once said: Empty calories require full wallets.

Anyway, I was in that part of the store to buy salad dressing. Earlier I’d spotted the camera guy and producer lady in the aisle, right in front of my brand and creed (Hidden Valley®, Lite) of dressing. It wasn’t clear what they were up to. The tripod looked expensive, that much I knew. It certainly wasn’t one of these Best Buy tripods, which is the kind I own. Not wanting to disturb them I decided to circle around and return to the aisle after I’d selected a Kraft® shredded cheese and read the nutrition contents of Dannon’s® fruit-on-the-bottom yogurts and maybe impulse-bought some Philadelphia® flavored cream cheese. They’d be gone by then.

They weren’t. I guess I don’t need salad dressing, I told myself. I’ll do without. I’ve been meaning to go dry, anyway. But then my sense of pride kicked in. Go get your fucking salad dressing, you pussy, I thought-screamed. They’re not going to care. They’re in YOUR way, not the other way around. Also, do some more pushups! Let’s get those nipples pointing forward, you jiggle monster!

Yeah, I agreed. You’re right, self. I will do more pushups, but first I’m going to go get that salad dressing.

I approached the pair and was about to grab the bottle of squirty flavored cream when the woman interrupted me.

“Excuse me, sorry. Do you eat Hostess products?”

“No.” I told her.

“Do you avoid them?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like to talk about that on camera?”

“Yes!”

That’s roughly how it started and before I knew it I was being filmed having a pleasant chitchat with a lady I just met.

Continue Reading…

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Stickers? I hate stickers! (but not this time)

by Hank Thompson on January 11, 2012

Even though the concept features two of the most annoying things in the world – children and stickers – this is a very cool idea. Some artsy fartsy dude furnished a room and all its objects entirely in white and gave thousands of colorful stickers to a bunch of kids and let them choose where to place the stickers.

Click on the picture to see the article about it. Plus more pictures. It gets way crazier.

How did they get stickers on the ceiling? Some of those kids must be good jumpers. Must be all the video games they play these days.

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Winners & Losers – Ep 073 – F*CK LIST with Bill Cruz and Lane Pieschel

by Hank Thompson on January 9, 2012

Bill and Lane. These two boner heads are two of my favorite people in the whole world. Just kidding. One of them is. Irrenevertheless, they’re both fun and easy to talk to.

Direct Download: 2012.01.09_WL_073_-_F–K_LIST_with_Bill_Cruz_and_Lane_Pieschel.mp3

Download via iTunes

Or click play right here:

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I particularly liked learning from Bill about the process of donating his hair to charity and the story about Lane getting cheered off the stage at an open mic after saying one sentence is a good reminder of the kinds of unexpected things that can happen during live performance.

But the real heart of this episode is Bill’s Top Ten Chicago Comics I wanted to FÜ©K of 2011! From its humble origins as nonsense party conversation the list has quickly become an annual tradition in the Chicago comedy scene. Being selected is a rainbow-colored feather in any insecure comics’ cap and certain harbinger of frothy things to come in the new year. Placement on the list is hotly debated amongst hopefuls and selectants alike. So give it a listen and find out the methodology Bill uses in making his dick picks. I’ll just say this: his process is fair, straight and veiny.

Head over to ComedyofChicago.com for the full list and to see which spot I was granted. (which I think is total fucking bullshit, by the way)

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Somebodies and I did the Somebody and Me podcast

by Hank Thompson on January 8, 2012

I was a guest on the Somebody and Me podcast. It’s hosted by Pat and Rob, who are these really nice guys.

Here’s a screenshot for some reason:

When I first got to the studio I thought Pat was Rob and Rob was Pat but after talking for an hour-and-a-half I had learned that Pat was Pat and Rob was Rob. I also learned that candle wax tastes exactly like you’d expect.

Give it a listen. Fun show.

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