August 2011

Planet of the Apes, released in 1968, starring Charleton Heston and his warm living hands, was an instant classic. The film was remade [read: worsened] for modern audiences and released in 2001, this time starring Marky Mark and the Banana Bunch. The universe of “Apes” tells the story of a distant future in which humans are no longer Earth’s dominant species, instead replaced by — you guessed it: apricots. Man, you’re a terrible guesser. No, the answer is apes, of course. Apes, idiot. Apes that walk upright, wear clothes, and speak perfect Midwestern English. Like us, they’re power hungry and they can be total dicks. But they also exhibit their own unique ape traits, such as being apes.

The latest film, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, is a reboot of the franchise. I saw it with a friend and I enjoyed watching it, although I think they could have named it something less cumbersome. Roll your mouse over the image to see what I had in mind.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Mouse Over

Most, if not all, of the apes in the original(s) were humans dressed up in ape, chimp and orangutan costumes. They looked like the intended species, sure, but you couldn’t look at them and not think “That’s just a dude in a suit. A really good suit, yeah, but still. Will anyone notice if I eat this twizzler off the floor?”

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, features many ape costumes but not a single one touched by a seamstress’s hand. Indeed, all the simians loping about on screens big and small were digitally rendered, stitched together by graphic and animation designers, and with the help of the one and only Andy Serkis, the guy who played Gollum in Lord of the Rings. It’s called motion capture or something. Actors in Rise of the Planet of the Apes got to act and react with a living human face instead of a tennis ball on a string, which goes a long way toward integrating the actors with the ape “actors.” It works. Nothing snaps suspension of disbelief faster than watching an actor do a scene with a tennis ball he was told is upset with him.

There were moments during the film where I knew I wasn’t looking at a drug-induced gentically-modified chimp experiencing the sudden onset of intelligence and sentience but there were even more moments when I bought the premise hook, banana and sinker.

In twenty years there will be entire films made of actors that only exist in computers and on billboards and talking to Regis (or the robot version of him) and no difference short of a pulse will be detectable. Photo-realism is already here, but video-realism is still some years off. Some. Not many.

Anyway, here are the tweets (@Hank_Thompson)I wrote about the movie, in order of appearance by date:

July 22nd, 2011

What I can tell so far about Rise of the Planet of the Apes is that humans are powerless against spears and that apes hate helicopters.

The head ape is named Caeser. The lesson here? Never give your drug experiment ape a powerful name. Wilbur or Harold would suffice.

I really want to see Rise of the Planet of the Grapes. I’m a big fan of testicle-shaped fruit.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes has one too many ‘of the’s. It should be Rise of the Ape Planet. Or perhaps: Look Out! Apes!

If my butt hole were a car wash I would get a lot of complaints because it takes several passes to get clean.

I goofed up a previous Apes tweet. What I meant to say was: Oog oog oog hoo hoo ha ha oog. Oh wait, they haven’t risen yet…

An ape planet would be fun. They’d go to the zoo and marvel at how the humans poop and then refrain from throwing or eating it.

As promotional material for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the studio is sending out free poop to be hurled at the screen on opening night.

Google image the phrase ‘uncanny valley.’ It’s a real creep fest. Just like all those apes in Rise of the Planet of the Creeps.

August 6th

Bout to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes. As I told the cashier, there better be lots of apes or I’m gonna want my money back.

As a man who also rises sometimes I feel like I can relate to this whole apes rising thing. But as always, it goes away eventually.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes was good. I don’t want to give away the ending but let’s just say that the apes rise on a planet.

August 7th

Once the apes ruin things the next species to take over will be grapes. Movie poster: “Rise of the Planet of the Grapes: Who’s Wining Now?”

FOLLOW me on TWITTER @Hank_Thompson

{ 0 comments }

I was down below Wacker Drive in downtown Chicago at a loading dock when I looked up and saw this massive black obelisk looming over me.

Long holding the title of World’s Tallest Building, the Willis Tower is a hundred or whatever stories tall. While it may not be the tallest building in the world any more it’s the tallest building in my heart. I have fond memories of looking up at it from the ground.

The massive structure has dominated the Chicago skyline since it appeared. As the legend goes, the city went to sleep and awoke one chilly morning to find the mysterious black tower towering above all like a basketball player anywhere else other than with his team. You know how weird basketball players look when they’re out of their element, like at a breakfast buffet or something, or the airport, or sleeping. It emitted an eerie noise, not unlike what bugs would sound like if they could make noise while being bug-sprayed. And it vibrated at frequencies science later discovered induced people to not put ketchup on their hot dogs.

The sudden appearance of the building caused more questions (124) than it answered (0). Questions such as: “Where did that building come from?” and “Can someone explain why those weird orange and black candies still exist?” and “THAT’S what Mccauley Culkin looks like now!?”

Religious kooks took it as a sign that the end was near. Other religious kooks took it as a sign that the end was far. Their differences could not be reconciled and the tension eventually erupted in a violent clash in which one person pulled a groin muscle and a panicked ostrich got run over by a train while fleeing the commotion. The incident was reported by the media as ‘Kooky Crisp,’ which is weird because no one got burnt, sadly. Lamestream, indeed.

General reaction amongst the public was much more staid. Most gave it an approving glance while waiting for that chick they like to text back, which she eventually did, thank fucking god.

Many speculated that the obelisk was delivered by superior beings to imbue our fledgling species with the ability to reason, thereby setting us on a path toward cultural and technological advancement that will one day enable us to visit the distant corners of space eventually seeding the Universe with giant embryonic space babies.

A pile of bones that appeared alongside it was swept up before they could be smashed at with other bones. Seems like we missed a real opportunity there.

Within a few hours of its presence, after moments of collective fear and wonder the bravest of our Tribe, a man known as “The Mayor,” approached and tentatively reached out to press his hand against the smooth cold black surface, not knowing if doing so might kill him or suck him into the surface of the otherworldly body or cause him to dip an entire italian beef into the meat juice, which is a crazy thing to do. Unfortunately he got his hand caught in the mail slot and we had to wait a few hours for some fire department guys to show up to free him. It was discovered that he’d grabbed a handful of jelly beans and refused to let them go, preventing him from withdrawing his hand, which he tried fiercely to do, jumping and howling with wide-eyed terror while straining his bleeding wrist near to the breaking point. Wrapped in a victim blanket he was led off into a waiting ambulance, clutching the handful of jelly beans to his chest. He was never heard from again. Rumor has it that the sound of jelly beans can be heard near the door on quiet days.

Once the building was deemed safe for human assumption it was populated by workers and bosses and visits to its uppermost floor were organized and waited for. It quickly became the blackest thing in Chicago that white people didn’t mind visiting. A comfortable air temperature was decided upon. Postcards went from landscape to portrait. Snacks were sold and shot glasses were printed. A red light was placed on top of it so that planes were careful to stop and look both ways before proceeding.

Luckily I was able to get a shot of it before it ups and leaves. That’s about it.

{ 0 comments }