Paris Hilton (right)
I happened across an episode of The World According to Paris, which is a TV show about a famous woman named Paris and how she accords the world. Her full name is Paris Hilton. She made her fortune selling gaskets and o-rings to the Nazis during WWII, then went deep under the Earth, burrowing until she found a layer of ancestral mud where she bedded down and hibernated for 50 years, absorbing nourishment and virgin minerals through her skin from the primordial birthing ooze in which she rested. Awaking from slumber, she emerged back onto the surface by launching herself into the air on the boiling ejecta of Old Faithful, performing an incalculably perfect quintuple lutz before landing gracefully to the shrieks of overwhelmed onlookers. She then appeared in an episode of Saved by The Bell, but because cameras weren’t yet sophisticated enough to capture her magnificence she was never seen by audiences. After a brief stint as a serial killer she began inventing catchphrases for Hollywood and created a new process for using orphans as an environmentally-friendly replacement for coal. Her genitalia was the inspiration for Jar Jar Binks, a popular character in the Star Wars franchise, and she wrote the script for Police Academy 69, which is slated to win the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2031. Experimenting with quantum mechanics she created a wormhole in her shoe closet from which she would often emerge victorious, having vanquished distant alien societies using nothing but her trademark carelessness. Finally, Earth technology caught up and she began doing more work in front of the camera, making her on-screen debut by sucking dick in a bootleg porn. That was merely the first of many gifts she would bestow upon the spiritually vacuous masses clamoring for meaning in a meaningless world. She quickly became one of the most filmed and photographed women on the planet. Global desperation abated as Paris filled the Paris-shaped hole in our hearts. She’s also rumored to make a pretty swell raspberry tart that sells out every year at the church bake sale.
Now, she stars in The World According to Paris on the Oxygen network. On the surface it is a partially-scripted and highly-edited document of the daily habits of a dull entitled heiress existing in a sad insulated reality in which not a single nutritive urge or imperious instinct goes unmet. But dig deeper, see past the gilded portraits of herself lining her home’s walls, see past the pink Bentley, past the accessory dogs, past the gaggle of catty hangers-on that adorn the air around her. Bore through the patina of sanity, and it’s truly a work of purest art. It is an expression of love, and grace, and of the unending potential mankind can achieve if we just don’t put our minds to it.
I live-tweeted the episode I watched. Follow me at twitter.com/Hank_Thompson.
Here they are, in order of appearance:
Watching The World According to Paris. She came home and casually dumped her dog in the umbrella canister by the front door.
The whole episode appears to be about her replacing the air filters on the furnace. Didn’t expect that. #theworldaccordingtoparis
She just had one of the household slaves murdered for bumping into one of her portraits on the wall. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Paris and her hot friends are sitting around discussing the energy you can save with properly sealed ducts. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Uh oh. Paris just got a text that her container of chinese immigrants had to be jettisoned into the ocean. No fun! #theworldaccordingtoparis
Paris just got frustrated when she realized the air filters she bought are the the wrong size. Back to Home Depot! #theworldaccordingtoparis
Paris just confused her pink Bentley’s cigarette lighter with a warm treat for her dog. Clutzy but glamorous! #theworldaccordingtoparis
Parking at the Home Depot, Paris drove over several day laborers who didn’t see her coming. “Park it,” she sassed. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Checking out, Paris picked up gorilla glue and a couple extra construction pencils. “Party time,” she winked. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Paris’s mom just gave Paris the business for leaving one of her bedrooms messy. Good grief, mom! #theworldaccordingtoparis
If you watch very closely you’ll notice Paris has no reflections in any of the mirrors when she walks by. Weird. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Finally! The girls got the air filter replaced. OMG so dusty! She got some on her fur collar. Time for new jewelry. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Oh no’s! Brooke just noticed that there’s a second furnace in the house. No clubbing tonight. Boo! #theworldaccordingtoparis
“You know what, girls, let’s fire up the weber and grill some knockwursts.” Woooo! The girls responded. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Wow. Paris’s tampons are made from actual snow leopard fur. Surprised they showed that. #theworldaccordingtoparis
They just lured the pizza delivery guy into the basement and then suffocated him with the air filter wrapper. #theworldaccordingtoparis
As he lay there twitching Paris breathed heavy and watched him die, unclenching her fists. Silent. Cold. Sexy. #theworldaccordingtoparis
Threatening Brooke and Ashlyn with a large dildo held to their necks, Paris swore her friends to lifelong silence. #theworldaccordingtoparis
With Paris’s BFF brand knives, they quickly dispatched the body and fed his limbs into the fans of the furnace. #theworldaccordingtoparis
As the horrific grinding abated, Paris smiled at her friends, “Good thing we changed the filters!” Oh, Paris! #theworldaccordingtoparis
That was a great episode. Looks like next week Paris swallows a glow stick and then experiments with trepanation. #theworldaccordingtoparis
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