June 2010

Spoiler Alert – Predator franchise may not be based in reality.

by Hank Thompson on June 19, 2010

Take a look at this screengrab I took of an ad for the upcoming movie “Predators” while watching porn on Hulu.

See the aiming reticules? Notice how they’re spread evenly over Adrian Brody’s body. I’m beginning to think the Predator series of movies may not be based in reality.

Human heads have a lot in common with water-filled coffee cans when hit with fast-moving projectiles.

There’s no way a species of professional sport-hunters would have such shitty aim. Those dots should be clustered around Adrian Brody’s heart. Any quality firearm training and safety program would teach how to properly aim a shoulder mounted plasma caster with a triple laser sight.

It’s Hunting 101. Aim for the heart. Shoot to kill. Even children know that! And if you get hurt, start laughing and blow yourself up.

Sure, the one aimed for his head will definitely do the job. One cannot discount the joy of seeing a head erupt in a spray of fluid and bits. But still, head shots are discouraged when a chest shot is available.

Maybe the Predators have some kind of weird etiquette that prevents them from stepping on each other’s laser sights. I can see how it would get annoying while hunting a pack of humanity’s finest killers to have picked a spot to vaporize only to have some jackass float his sight over yours. You went to all this trouble becoming a terrifying  instrument of inter-galactic death, you and your friends set up an entire planet as a game reserve, you spent over $600 dollars at REI on camping gear and some joker is gonna paint his reticule over yours? The nerve!

If I were a member of a pack of menacing predators. I’d open up my crab-legged vagina mouth and say, “Yo, pal. How bout you aim for his other scapula, alright? Fucker.” Except I would say that in Predator language.

Maybe that’s where things went off the rails between humans and predators. All the violence was the result of a simple language difference. They were on an inter-galactic fishing trip, out to spend a few weeks away from the wife and kids, catch some fish, tell stories, get drunk, and the governors of California and Minnesota and Bill Duke and that cool Indian guy who cuts himself showed up and started giving them shit. I’d be pissed, too. Can’t say I blame them for responding by sending more predators to try and kill Danny Glover.

Languages are only barriers if you’re afraid to cross them. Admittedly, they come off a little aggressive, what with the screeching and the menacing posture and the skinning of natives. But so what? It could just be that’s how they communicate.  In the original Predator, the predator makes a ferocious sound but he might simply have been asking for help.

At first blush, the predator language may seem aggressive but they're actually just like us.

This wasn't the first time miscommunication led to conflict.

Step back from the madness and you can see that the real problem is that we just never took the time to get acquainted. Maybe it’s time we lose our ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ attitude that always gets us into trouble. Questions like, “Did you see that shot?” and “That was a good shot, wasn’t it?” and “When can I shoot another one?”

In case you’re wondering, I still plan on seeing the movie, even though it might be fiction and assuming it gets at least 70% on rotten tomatoes.

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Arsonist Sought in Burning of Jesus Statue

by Hank Thompson on June 15, 2010

This kind of stuff never gets old.

God Destroys Graven Image (via The Stranger)

God’s my favorite arsonist. You know somewhere out there is a VHS tape from a distance of a fire He started along with the sounds of Him giggling and masturbating.

The builder of this statue should have learned a lesson from the 2004 Tsunami victims which killed over 230,000 people around the Indian Ocean. They made the mistake of building a giant garish statue of Poseidon on the beach.

One can’t help but notice that Jesus is up to his hips in the water. Couldn’t Jesus walk on water? It’s definitely not as cool to hear, “the Lord can wade through water.”

Turns out the reason God struck down the statue is because of the tribal tattoo Jesus had encircling his forearm.

Neighbors saw the fire and reacted with swift action, immediately installing lightning rods on the Buddha, Ganesh, Flying Spaghetti Monster and Michael Bolton statues that encircle the lake.

Either the statue is reaching up to Heaven in order to receive the joyous light of salvation Or he is reaching up to heaven saying, “Dad, get me the fuck out of here! This place is crazy!”

The owner attempted to put the fire out with the garden hose, but instead of water the hose spat out crappy 1st century wine.

What’s most tragic is the amount of chocolate that melted and polluted the lake. Oh wait, that’s the Easter Bunny.

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Drunk Asshole Thrown out of Schubas Open Mic – June 6, 2010

by Hank Thompson on June 13, 2010

This happened last week at the Schubas open mic.

The comic on stage pops up every now and again and tends to say shocking things. More than once his closer has been pulling his penis out. Those of us familiar with the scene tune that stuff out or don’t give a shit. He’s harmless.

But the guy didn’t seem to think so. He’d made annoying drunk comments during a couple prior sets but otherwise wasn’t acting up very much. I assume he and his friends came to Schubas to watch the Blackhawks and came upstairs after the game. At an open mic it’s always nice to have civilians in the audience, drunk, stupid or otherwise. It’s a nice change of pace to look out and see the bored face of a non-comic instead of the bored face of a comic.

I don’t remember what was said that flipped the guy’s switch but all of a sudden he was shouting and moving threateningly to the stage. Bradley Labree — bartender, occasional performer, and all around good guy — jumped into action. That’s when the camera came out.

My favorite part is the voice that says, “I want to post this on the Rosie O’Donnell show!”

Also, notice the comic tries to get back into his joke before the commotion has died down. “So, female…” Push through no matter what, some say.

The guy’s friends seemed cool about it. They weren’t out looking for trouble or anything, but it seemed this wasn’t the first time this dumbass has gotten them thrown out of a place.

Not seen is Junior Stopka approaching the melee rolling his sleeves up. He’s a former amateur boxer and apparently quite a good one. I read that on his Just for Laughs profile. Also, you can tell because sometimes he’ll wear black t-shirts with huge faces of sweaty boxers on it and details about some big fight nobody’s ever heard of. He’s also one of the funniest goddamn comedians in Chicago. It won’t be long before he leaves this town and starts destroying the stages, buildings and police helicopters of other cities.

This reminded me of the time about a year ago when another drunk — an older guy dressed like Sting — had to be tossed on his ass after saying “fuck you” to host Bob Palos for not bumping him up the list.

It’s glorious, this art of ours.

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