Babysitting a 2-year-old human is one of the most challenging things a person can do. Death and drool are ever-present threats. Many things can go wrong and many things can go right. Here are some tips to help you win at babysitting.
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1.) Sprinkle sugar all over the kitchen floor. This will keep the child busy for hours.
2.) Do something nice for mom and dad and clean around the house a bit. Any dildos you find can be soaked in the tub. Kill two birds with one stone and scrub the kid while you’re at it.
3.) Teach the child life skills such as balancing a checkbook, shaving, and not opening mail from the government.
4.) Hold a pillow in front your face. Remove it with a silly expression then quickly return the pillow. Do this in private as the child’s laughter will distract you from this fun activity.
5.) If you get bored, polish your glass candy collection.
6.) Place her in front of the television. It will capture her attention more than anything else you can do. Also, the lack of brain development will make her more open to coercion and simplicity throughout life and reduce the danger that she’ll question authority or have an independent thought.
7.) To help pass the time, see how fast you can suck baby food out of those little jars. Find other creative ways to not use spoons.
8.) 2-year-olds can survive falls up to 8 feet. Do not throw them higher than this.
9.) Read the child a book. Choose one written for 2-year-olds. Anything from the Twilight series will do.
10.) Be careful when you go to the washroom. The training potty will fill up much faster than you think.
11.) If you leave the room and come back to find her sucking on your iPhone charger plugged into the wall, take a moment to appreciate the metaphorical significance of this act. Ponder the increasing reliance her generation will have on modern technology, how it offers great freedoms yet also tethers us in ways our species has never experienced. Her life will feature a dependence upon electricity not unlike your own as each of us plays a role in the culture of consumption. What cost to our humanity do we pay when we employ machines to live life for us? Remove wire from child’s face.
12.) Steven Seagal films can make a difference in any child’s life. Since they’re only on VHS tapes they make great stacking blocks.
13.) If the neighbors see you playing with her in the yard, remove your ski mask and say, “It’s okay. I haven’t looked at her vagina and I don’t plan to.” Replace ski mask.
14.) Trade socks. See how far you can get his on your feet. When he seems confused about what to do with your socks declare yourself the victor and move on to the next challenge.
15.) Cover everything with safety foam. Safety foam can found at the grocery store next to the danger foam.
16.) If the worst happens remember that everything dies eventually. God has a plan.
17.) Children love blinking lights and buttons. Take the smoke detector off the wall and let her play with it.
18.) Take the child to a park. When a woman approaches, smile and say, “Yes, she’s mine. Since her mom died I’ve had to run the puppy orphanage by myself. It’s made it hard to focus on my poetry.” She’ll want to have sex with you. Let her.
19.) Snack time is a good opportunity to bond, especially if you snack on mentos while in the back seat of a European taxi.
20.) Twinkie’s and ho ho’s are great. You get a delicious snack and she gets a wrapper to play with.
21.) Drink. Heavily. Out of a sippy cup. Be careful to remember which cup is yours. Nothing tastes less like whiskey than apple juice
22.) Announce the arrival of nap time. Curl into a ball on the floor and go to sleep. Do not move for fifteen minutes.
23.) Order a stripper. Her motherly instincts will kick in giving you a much-needed break. Also, her own children will be grateful to have someone to play with. Pay extra to activate her blow job instincts.
24.) Put the child to work stuffing envelopes for that dude who somehow convinced you this was a way to make money. Children love repetitive activities and don’t have the vocabulary to complain about paper cuts.
25.) Alternatively, put the child to work selling frozen and steak and water softeners to old people. Old people can be talked into anything. They’re so stupid.
26.) When mom and dad come home jump for joy at their return and be grateful you are no longer in charge of their botched abortion.
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