March 2010

A Day at the Beach – a How to Guide of Tips – Part 1

by Hank Thompson on March 30, 2010

If walruses ever evolve past us, their documentaries will look like this.

1. Without proper precaution the sun can cause a lot of damage. Bring a sunscreen with a high SPF, such as clothing.

2. People watching is great at the beach. So is titty-watching.

3. Dogs are not allowed on most beaches. Cats, however, love spending the day at the beach.

4. Look around at all the ugly, wrinkly old people and realize that one day you will look as horrible as they do. Judge now while you still can.

5. Test the lifeguards by flailing around in the water. A good lifeguard will use just the right amount of tongue.

6. Don’t stare at the teenage girls in their bikinis with their perfect skin and supple bodies. Take pictures of them and stare at those.

Chairs are a technology that keeps sand out of butts.

7. Pull up your sleeves and your shorts. This will ensure a proper tan.

8. If you call in sick to work do not post pictures of your day at the beach on Facebook, unless they are pictures of you having surgery at the beach.

9. Build a sand castle. By the time you’re finished it will be foreclosed on by the bank.

10. People will bring their loud annoying children to the beach. Keep them a comfortable distance away by placing a “free tickles” sign near you.

11. Approach women and offer to apply sunscreen. If they refuse wait until they fall asleep and then do what you know is right for them.

12. Fires are not permitted on most beaches. Ignore this. If God didn’t want us to burn styrofoam and plastic He wouldn’t have made them smell so nice when they burn.

This beachgoer is looking for a place to urine. She'd be wise to wade out until the water covers her hips.

13. If you have to urine go in the water. Make sure your waist is below the surface before starting to avoid drawing attention.

14. Feces should also be done below the waterline but be prepared for fish to nibble on undigested matter. Your poop is a vital part of the ecosystem, especially if your diet includes a lot of fish food.

15. Put that white shit on your nose. Just like the lifeguards from your childhood, your nose is more important than the rest of your body for some reason.

16. If your goal is to meet women bring a frisbee or a football. Women love gifts.

17. A fun activity is burying a friend up to his neck in sand and then hitting golf balls off his head. If you make a divot, an overturned garbage can will keep the authorities off your trail for weeks.

18. If a whale beaches itself wait until the animal dies to use the blowhole as a cup holder. Make sure it’s a whale and not simply a fat woman sleeping on her back. Use her belly button as a hot dog holder.

19. Pretty much just fuck around with the sand until your girlfriend tells you it’s time to leave.

A Day at the Beach - a How To Guide of Tips - part 1

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Jimmy Dore Visits The Young Turks

by Hank Thompson on March 27, 2010

One of my favorite comedians, Jimmy Dore, was on The Young Turks recently.

I would hope to see more of Jimmy on the show. Because the Young Turks covers politics, culture and entertainment stories and because Jimmy’s podcast, Comedy and Everything Else, covers comedy and everything else it seems like a natural fit for him to do recurring spots on the show. Unlike much of the political talk out there, these guys are constrained by logic and build their arguments within the boundaries of provable fact. They’re thorns in the vast flabby sides of ignorant America, which is why I’m a fan.

Jimmy, aside from being a national headliner, and successful podcaster, and radio show host also has a side job as a human trafficker specializing in Mexican wrestlers.

Here’s an interview he did recently on Buzzine.  I liked his answer to being asked if he thinks bad comedians know they’re bad:

It seems like my experience has been that the truly good comedians, the people who are really funny, are always doubting themselves, and it seems like the people who have very little talent are the ones who never doubt themselves…like George Bush. Same thing in politics. He doesn’t seem to be worried, doesn’t have a second thought about anything. So, if you’re a comic and you’re not worried that you’re funny, you’re not funny. [Laughs]

A lot more ground gets covered in the interview. It’s worth the read.

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Art Museum? More like Fart Museum

by Hank Thompson on March 17, 2010

I recently spent an afternoon at the Art Institute of Chicago. My girlfriend told me they had a Jamba Juice so I was really excited to check it out. Considering I spend all my free time at bars and open mics and comedy shows I figured a little culture would do me good. Plus, Jamba Juice will put grass in your drink if you ask so it’s safe to assume everything on the menu is healthy.  First of all, hey Thailand. If you’re wondering where all your gods went, they’re at the Art Institute. We’ve got them. You can have them back if you stop charging so much for those goddamned spring rolls. Oh really? Half the flavor, half the size and twice the price as egg rolls? Fuck you.

This striking piece kept me enthralled for minutes.

You’d think that with a Jamba Juice in the building people wouldn’t want to stand around pondering the complex meanings of human expression and all its attendant mediums. But it cannot be denied– While wandering around looking for the Jamba Juice it’s hard not to get distracted by all the cool shit hanging on the walls.

If you’re a fan of rectangles and squares, then this is the place for you. There are all kinds of amazing drawings and paintings. No price tags, however. I stopped asking because nobody seemed to know any of the sale prices and I couldn’t find any bar codes. Jamba Juice has much better customer service.

Not that I didn’t enjoy browsing. I particularly enjoyed the architecture room, because I’m a fan of buildings and buildings are the kinds of places where Jamba Juices are usually located.

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Louis CK learns about the Catholic Church

by Hank Thompson on March 12, 2010

How have I not seen this before? And why haven’t you?

As if I needed any more reason to admire Louis CK. Ask any comedian who their influences are and his name is sure to come up.

He’s also an adept writer and photographer. Over at his website, louisck.net, he wrote about a USO tour in Iraq he went on in 2008. It’s a thoughtful and thorough look at what such an experience is like, told through the eyes of a professional observer. There are several pages to click through. Start here if interested.

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Surviving the First Date (for men) – a How To Guide of Tips

by Hank Thompson on March 11, 2010

Going on a first date can be a nerve-wracking process. So much is at stake. Will she like you enough to go on a second date? Will she like you enough to want to do unholy things to your genitalia? Rest easy. Follow these tips and you’ll be making two bowls of cereal in the morning.

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1. Grooming is important. Eyebrows, separate. Nose hairs, pluck. Teeth, whiten. Make sure your goatee is as symmetrical as possible. Trim your bush. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just enough to show her you care.

2. Show up at least 40 minutes late. This will demonstrate to her that you’re your own man and that you live by your own rules.

3. Remember. She’s more afraid of you than you are of her. No, wait, that’s bears. Still though, it’s a good idea to make a lot of noise when approaching.

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Fortune Cookie Misspelling

by Hank Thompson on March 10, 2010

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I’ve never seen the word ‘humor’ misspelled so badly.  Either way it’s a lie.

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‘These People are Gyros’ and Other Oscar Tweets

by Hank Thompson on March 8, 2010

You probably didn’t care about the Oscars to begin with but now you can re-live the night through text!

I accidentally live-tweeted the whole thing, typing over 1500 words. All I wanted to do was digest Chinese food and go to bed early but before I knew it 4 hours had passed, my thumbs were sore and my twitter account had 94 new posts.

Here they are, in chronological order:

Got my Oscar dress from the cleaners. Waiting for my jewelry to finish polishing in the rock tumbler. Almost ready. #oscars about 14 hours ago

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Sandra Bullock’s story is so inspiring. Wait, did I say, “Sandra Bullock”? I meant to say, “Nelson Mandela.” #oscars about 13 hours ago

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Barbara Walters has the lips and hips of a 20-year-old. (she had them replaced in 1990.) #oscars about 13 hours ago

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I wonder if Oscar the Grouch is hitting the bottle extra hard tonight. #oscars about 13 hours ago

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Kyle Kinane Firebombs a Heckler Fuckhead

by Hank Thompson on March 3, 2010

Chicago bred comic Kyle Kinane knows how to handle a heckler.

Here’s the thread over at AST about the night.

Follow Kyle on twitter or keep up to speed at his tumblr page.

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Is the “Marriage Ref” Stealing the “Late Show” font?

by Hank Thompson on March 2, 2010

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It takes more than a cheap text warp to fool these eyes. The Marriage Ref font looks eerily similar to that of the Late Show with David Letterman. This unfolding scandal is sure to rock the Hollywood-o-sphere.

I haven’t seen it yet but I kinda want to get married just so I can audition for the show. I’ve always said that if there’s to be one solution to marital strife, it’s a panel of A-list celebrities making wisecracks on a television show. I’m holding out for Craig T. Nelson week.

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